The weekend humor pill

Happy Saturday everyone! Thanks to my dear friend and fellow author Susan Tarr, who sent me this literary gem, I started my day rolling on the floor with laughter, and this is something I want to share with you all.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – A husband’s point of view by Pam Ayres

The missus bought a Paperback,

Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like                                   
And stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;                          
My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Now that hopefully you’ve all laughed as hard as I did, I want to make my own contribution to this hilarious post and add an excerpt from my Romantic Comedy called Unabridged. Angelina Jameson, editor at a magazine named Unabridged, receives a letter from someone named Zorro Kalashnikov. And when she reads the letter…

Unabridged’s headquarters were in high gear. I opened the door to Blade’s office to blow him a kiss and found him almost buried in paperwork. I waved hastily and withdrew, but not before hearing him shout, “Chicken!”

I hurried to put distance between myself and his office No doubt those monstrous stacks of mail would keep him busy for hours. I had my own work to cope with.

A much smaller pile of mail waited on my desk. I plopped down into my chair, prepared to do battle with whatever the unpredictable Pandora’s Box had for me this morning. I’d often found love letters, marriage proposals, indecent suggestions, and on one unfortunate occasion I would never be able to wipe from my mind, a high resolution picture of a penis on full-alert.

Not ready to do battle with such a creature again, I pushed the envelopes away and checked my emails instead. One of them caught my attention. It was from someone named Zorro Kalashnikov.

Curious, I leaned forward, clicked on it, and began to read.

Dear Miss Jameson,

Allow me to congratulate you on your article called ‘Billionaires, BDSM and Blah-blah-blah’. I read every edition of your magazine online, and I enjoy it tremendously. Along with the new look of ‘Unabridged’, this week’s edition was like a breath of fresh air. I have been following your column for the past two years and I was actually wondering if you would ever approach the subject of the pseudo-literary phenomena involving BDSM and kinky billionaires. Personally, I only tried one of the thousands of books featuring this subject and managed to digest less than twenty pages, because after that I felt I was reading and rereading insignificant variations of the same flavorless text. However, the little reading proved to be enough for me to form a pretty clear idea regarding the rest.

Even though it might seem paradoxical, the way-too-explicit insistency of the sex scenes led me to believe that in fact, with all that lusty abundance, the author proved an acute lack of imagination. Therefore, I figured the author in question must have had a real person as a model to create her fictional hero. This possibility got me much more excited than the book, and urged me to start an ample research to identify the mysterious specimen who ignited the author’s inspiration.

I won’t bore you with the detailed recounting of my turn amateur sleuth investigation, but will only lay out the interesting elements I discovered. Unlike the fascinating and charismatic protagonist of the bestselling novel, the original model was neither too young, nor well-schooled, not even good looking, and by no means a billionaire. He was an illiterate porter, rendered stupid with drink, without a specific address, who frequented a sordid honky-tonk where he earned some extra money by exposing his cock—a truly impressive monument, which reached fifteen inches in length and five inches in diameter, when it was adequately tickled and stimulated.

I burst out laughing, quickly muffling the sound and continued reading.

Since the result of those measurements was confirmed by several independent sources from the subject’s entourage, it wasn’t necessary for me to check their accuracy in person. The same sources also informed me that, a good while back, our porter was visited several times in that honky-tonk by an enigmatic lady armed with a voice recorder. Seeing as the meetings took place in a private corner, I couldn’t obtain any pertinent information regarding the discussions between the two. Also, the visitor’s identity remained unknown. But a faithful client of the joint provided me with the lady’s description, after I bought him several glasses of some foul-looking moonshine. I quote: ‘Twas a fancy-looking broad, mate. She came here with a limo and a driver, and she was kinda like pudgy-looking, and only by her gear you could tell she ain’t a man.’

I abstain from making any speculations regarding the lady’s identity. I am more than pleased to have cleared up the mystery.

Zorro Kalashnikov

P.S: I leave to your judgment the differentiation between truthful and credible.

By this time, I was hooting with laughter and tears of mirth trickled from my eyes. I was still in this state when Blade entered my office a few moments later.

“What’s so funny?”

“Take a look at this email,” I said, laughing so hard, I could barely speak. I turned the laptop toward him. “We should offer this guy a job.”

~Excerpt from Unabridged~

Have a great weekend everyone, and if you’ve enjoyed this post, please share and reblog. ❤